Pssssst! I have a little, itty bitty secret to share today. Come closer. Okay, here it is....I am WEAK. In more ways than one, by the way. The reason I feel the need to clear this up is that many times people come up to me and tell me how good I look and that they're so happy I've recovered, and comment on how strong I am. Let me tell you. I know those people mean the very best and care so much for me and are thankful I'm still here. But when they leave I feel a little guilty....like I've somehow without even trying, pulled the wool over their positive, encouraging eyes. The truth is on Sunday, playing my trumpet is the most difficult thing I do ALL week. My strength in my mouth is not what it once was, and writing that is painful. I'm kinda glad the struggle isn't seen because I don't want to be a distraction, but it IS a struggle. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep myself from running off the stage in tears out of frustration that what I once could do so easily is now so....hard.
And that's not all. I struggle getting my baby dressed every day, changing his diaper, cutting their nails, and zipping their coats. I can't write, I can't remember to take my meds or to turn off the oven, and so many other things. I don't understand what I read most of the time, and often am a step behind in conversations. And any time I make plans with my family, I pay for it for days afterward in total exhaustion.
But the worst part is that I could be handling these things with courage, strength, and grace. People who've lost far more endure with much more grace and dignity than me. Instead, I'm still frustrated, still discouraged, still fighting the truth about what is gone. I hate being this weak, but I AM. I will not hide it anymore. If someone asks me how I am, I hope to tell you the truth.
What I'm hoping will happen as a result of laying myself bare is that it will allow me to receive His strength, which He says is made perfect in weakness. "When I am weak, then am I strong." It is very difficult to tell yourself that who you are right now, in all your weakness, is enough. We are enough for Him. He DELIGHTS in us, especially in our vulnerable honesty. Whatever our strength allows us to do this day is ENOUGH, and He will do the rest. He will cover us in a grace that veils our weaknesses and our human-ness, allowing others to only see Him.
