When I quit my job about a year and a half ago, I had all kinds of grand plans. Macy and I would do crafts together each day, listen to all different types of music, and see new and fascinating places on a regular basis. There would be laughter and lots of it, and quiet, intimate times when she's snuggled against me, asleep. I was surprised and disappointed at how few of those idyllic moments seemed to happen, especially after we had Micah.
Sometimes, my days are just very tiring...listening to Micah cry for hours sometimes when he's sick or just plain fussy, or hearing my three year-old whine from the moment she wakes up until the time she goes to bed.... folding laundry that just gets dirty again tomorrow... making dinner that maybe half of the eating audience even likes...and the list goes on. Some days, I just want to take a walk by myself.
Life is so hilarious sometimes. For years, all I wanted was to not have to be alone anymore, to share my life. Now, I'm sharing, and I find myself complaining much more than I'd like.
Please understand. It's not that I regret the choice I made to stay home, because I don't and I know so many women would love to be able to do it. But, every choice requires sacrifices, things we will surely miss out on by making a key decision. The things we miss don't come close to what we gain, by the way, but often feels that way.
I guess it's like this: There are days I want to quit, and it's been that way since the first time I've tried anything at all. When things get difficult, or don't look exactly how we'd imagined it, our first instinct is always to flee, to run. But when we run, we miss out on sometimes the very best experiences of our lives. And also, we miss out on the opportunity to STAY, to fight, to remain and to say that we did not quit. ( Just a note: it's not always terrible to quit something. It depends on what that something is.!) Some people just quit things way too soon...marriages, churches, friendships...etc. Just when the road gets rocky and someone pressed that "incline" button on the treadmill, we scramble, searching for the "off" switch.
So, Macy and Micah, the lesson is this: Anything worth having or doing will cost you something. And don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop! : ) And please hear me: NONE of those frustrating days will ever compare to getting to read stories to you during the day or one of our morning walks, or all the fun songs we sang together. And it will all be even more beautiful in the end when we look back and see that we STAYED.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
These Two Things
This is a difficult entry for me to write...no idea where to start! I really do hate that every time I write it seems to go back to my stroke. But once again...
Last Monday, I was taking Macy to ballet and then we went to my in-laws for dinner. Somewhere in between these two events, my face, tongue, arm and hand on the left side all went numb. The next morning, my speech therapist convinced me to make an appointment with the doctor and drove me there herself. Well, after many tests and long waits, we were told I had a small stroke, and that the artery which originally dissected, causing the massive stroke five months ago, had never healed. So, I was told that the following week I would need to have an angiogram and surgery to put a stent in my artery to keep it open.
At first, I felt optimistic...that it would all turn out just fine and there was nothing to really worry about. But, when I lay down to sleep, I start to think, and that is usually not the best thing!! I thought about all that could happen in a week's time... that I could have not only another small stroke, but another massive one, and that perhaps I would not be left with all the abilities I have now. I may not be able to walk, talk, play with my children... be able to tell anyone what I want for Macy and Micah. The fear was very intimidating, and still is sometimes.
But here is the lesson for Macy and Micah. I know two things, and the first one is this: He is God. To me, that means that He is all powerful and all-knowing. Nothing is outside of His sight and nothing lies outside of His strength. He can do ANYTHING! Knowing I have the one true God on my side gives me much peace. Nothing will happen to me that He hasn't already decided and planned for my life. And all things He allows, He does to bring His name greater glory and to grow ME in the process.
The second thing I know is this: He is MY God! He is mine and I am His! That means that wherever I go, He goes with me. In every dark place and time in my life, the only thing I know for sure is that He was right there, never leaving me for a second. Can you even imagine that? He has been with each of us, whenever we've received horrible news, endured painful abuse, suffered at the hands of others, and felt so very much alone. He is God and He is with you. These two things, kids, are what I hope you live your ife always knowing and believing, as I am doing today! I love you, Macy and Micah.
Last Monday, I was taking Macy to ballet and then we went to my in-laws for dinner. Somewhere in between these two events, my face, tongue, arm and hand on the left side all went numb. The next morning, my speech therapist convinced me to make an appointment with the doctor and drove me there herself. Well, after many tests and long waits, we were told I had a small stroke, and that the artery which originally dissected, causing the massive stroke five months ago, had never healed. So, I was told that the following week I would need to have an angiogram and surgery to put a stent in my artery to keep it open.
At first, I felt optimistic...that it would all turn out just fine and there was nothing to really worry about. But, when I lay down to sleep, I start to think, and that is usually not the best thing!! I thought about all that could happen in a week's time... that I could have not only another small stroke, but another massive one, and that perhaps I would not be left with all the abilities I have now. I may not be able to walk, talk, play with my children... be able to tell anyone what I want for Macy and Micah. The fear was very intimidating, and still is sometimes.
But here is the lesson for Macy and Micah. I know two things, and the first one is this: He is God. To me, that means that He is all powerful and all-knowing. Nothing is outside of His sight and nothing lies outside of His strength. He can do ANYTHING! Knowing I have the one true God on my side gives me much peace. Nothing will happen to me that He hasn't already decided and planned for my life. And all things He allows, He does to bring His name greater glory and to grow ME in the process.
The second thing I know is this: He is MY God! He is mine and I am His! That means that wherever I go, He goes with me. In every dark place and time in my life, the only thing I know for sure is that He was right there, never leaving me for a second. Can you even imagine that? He has been with each of us, whenever we've received horrible news, endured painful abuse, suffered at the hands of others, and felt so very much alone. He is God and He is with you. These two things, kids, are what I hope you live your ife always knowing and believing, as I am doing today! I love you, Macy and Micah.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
A Heart That Flies
Yesterday, I went for testing at a speech clinic to continue to work on my stroke recovery. There, I met two other stroke patients who have lost many more abilities than I have. Their attitudes were amazing, and I'm not sure that would have been said of me if I had lost more. Anyway, as I was thinking about them yesterday, I began thanking God that he left me with so much, and that in all of this, I am still able to play my trumpet. You may think, " Shouldn't you just be thankful you can WALK? Playing the trumpet is just a little bonus." Not for me...it is so much more.
In the sixth grade, we walked into band class and the teacher asked each of us to pick an instrument we wanted to play. My first instinct was the trombone, but I didn't enjoy how my whole mouth got swallowed up in the mouthpiece! So, I picked the trumpet. And seriously, the first notes I played on it actually sounded pretty good...and if you're familiar with starting an instrument for the first time, you know that is rare! It seemed as if I was just made for it. Playing just came so naturally for me, and this was such a pleasant surprise. At the age of 12, I never felt I was good or talented at anything at all, that there was nothing I would ever be able to call my own. So, having this new gift freed me, and I just let it carry me wherever it wanted to go.....To be honest, I loved the positive attention it brought me, and that it somehow brought me some form of status into my young life.
After high school, I took a LONG break from playing. I picked it up again about 13 years ago when I moved to this area and began helping my friends with the ministry they began. Now, I was playing for a worship team, and my reason for playing began to drastically change. As a young kid, I played because I was showing off or just loved to play. Now, as an adult, I was playing FOR someone and because of someone.
I remember one day playing at a service, and getting so lost in the words of the song and just feeling so much love for my Father that I honestly had this feeling of flying! I know that sounds really weird, but that's the best way to describe it. Just being with Him and giving Him what I had did that for me. And I've had that same feeling so many times since...that sensation of just soaring over and through the notes, making something I pray is beautiful in the end. Now, I KNOW I'm really just a mediocre horn player at best....love colors things, though, and makes them kind of glorious.
So Macy and Micah, here it is. Find the thing in your life that makes your heart fly. Be thankful for it....and always give it back to God, who lent it to you for awhile! Because when you give it back to Him, He makes it just that...glorious.
In the sixth grade, we walked into band class and the teacher asked each of us to pick an instrument we wanted to play. My first instinct was the trombone, but I didn't enjoy how my whole mouth got swallowed up in the mouthpiece! So, I picked the trumpet. And seriously, the first notes I played on it actually sounded pretty good...and if you're familiar with starting an instrument for the first time, you know that is rare! It seemed as if I was just made for it. Playing just came so naturally for me, and this was such a pleasant surprise. At the age of 12, I never felt I was good or talented at anything at all, that there was nothing I would ever be able to call my own. So, having this new gift freed me, and I just let it carry me wherever it wanted to go.....To be honest, I loved the positive attention it brought me, and that it somehow brought me some form of status into my young life.
After high school, I took a LONG break from playing. I picked it up again about 13 years ago when I moved to this area and began helping my friends with the ministry they began. Now, I was playing for a worship team, and my reason for playing began to drastically change. As a young kid, I played because I was showing off or just loved to play. Now, as an adult, I was playing FOR someone and because of someone.
I remember one day playing at a service, and getting so lost in the words of the song and just feeling so much love for my Father that I honestly had this feeling of flying! I know that sounds really weird, but that's the best way to describe it. Just being with Him and giving Him what I had did that for me. And I've had that same feeling so many times since...that sensation of just soaring over and through the notes, making something I pray is beautiful in the end. Now, I KNOW I'm really just a mediocre horn player at best....love colors things, though, and makes them kind of glorious.
So Macy and Micah, here it is. Find the thing in your life that makes your heart fly. Be thankful for it....and always give it back to God, who lent it to you for awhile! Because when you give it back to Him, He makes it just that...glorious.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Starting Something New
Well, here I am...starting something I never thought I would--a blog! The reason is simple, really, but requires some explanation. On April 17th of this year I gave birth my second child, a beautiful baby boy named Micah Nathaniel. He and his big sister, Macy, were huge blessings in my life because I was told before that there wasn't much of a chance for me to have any children at all. On May 1st, just two weeks later, I found myself feeling very dizzy and disoriented, having a severe headache and paralysis on my left side. I was having a massive stroke, and was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital, which just so happens to specialize in stroke treatment, among other things.
After five days, I was released, having only "minor" residual effects, including a weak left side and some cognitive problems. It has been a long road these last few months. I have learned something about fear. It can paralyze you, or it can propel you. For instance, there is a part of me who is afraid to turn my head for fear I'll damage my carotid artery again, who is afraid to be taken off of blood thinners for fear of a second stroke. And there is a part of me who, out of fear of leaving my children behind before I've really had a chance to teach them anything, is now starting this blog.
I'm writing with the hope that as I write this, I will be able to pass on at least one thing I want my children to know with each blog, in the event I for whatever reason, would not be around. You may think this is morbid, and I guess you'd be right, sort of. But I do not want to live with regret, or be faced with death, panicking to try tell my children all of these "pearls" all at once. So, in honor of my very first blog, here is the very first thing I want Macy and Micah to know: If fear can either paralyze or propel you, PLEASE let it propel you!
After five days, I was released, having only "minor" residual effects, including a weak left side and some cognitive problems. It has been a long road these last few months. I have learned something about fear. It can paralyze you, or it can propel you. For instance, there is a part of me who is afraid to turn my head for fear I'll damage my carotid artery again, who is afraid to be taken off of blood thinners for fear of a second stroke. And there is a part of me who, out of fear of leaving my children behind before I've really had a chance to teach them anything, is now starting this blog.
I'm writing with the hope that as I write this, I will be able to pass on at least one thing I want my children to know with each blog, in the event I for whatever reason, would not be around. You may think this is morbid, and I guess you'd be right, sort of. But I do not want to live with regret, or be faced with death, panicking to try tell my children all of these "pearls" all at once. So, in honor of my very first blog, here is the very first thing I want Macy and Micah to know: If fear can either paralyze or propel you, PLEASE let it propel you!
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