Macy, I am so sorry. For alot of things, actually, but two recent ones come to mind, so let's just start there, shall we?
One, I am sorry for not giving you ice cream yesterday morning. (Back story time.) Okay, two nights ago, you came into our room and said you couldn't sleep. Well, because I COULD at the time, I was desperate. So, I told you if you went back to bed, I would give you ice cream in the morning. I know, I know...horrible parenting example right there. I was TIRED! Don't judge me!!! Okay, back to the story. So, in the morning, you came in to see me, and you said, "Good morning! Can I have ice cream now?" To which I replied, having no recollection of ever bribing you with ice cream, "No, you can't have ice cream. But I'll get you a really yummy breakfast." I could not undrstand why you looked so hurt and puzzled.
When your father called me at lunch time,he asked if you had your ice cream for breakfast. After he explained that I had promised that to you, which I naturally forgot, I felt horrible, and made sure you got ice cream after lunch.
I'm sorry.
And finally, I am sorry about the "tomato incident". Yesterday, we went to the farmer's market to get some cucumbers and zucchini. We were looking at all of the fresh vegetables when you said, very excitedly, "Oooh! Tomatoes! Can we get some?" Suddenly, I remembered I had gotten tomatoes earlier that week, so I told you that, and then said you could have some of them for lunch. So, we get home and I sliced up some cucumbers and chicken, put it on a plate in front of you, feeling like such a good mom. I mean, I fed you FRESH vegetables and a healthy side of chicken breast! What more can a toddler ask for? I'll tell ya. A mom with any kind of memory at all. Because the very first thing out of your mouth was, " Can I have some tomatoes?" I answered back, having forgotten that I told her we had tomatoes, and actually had forgotten that I ever bought them in the first place, "No honey, we didn't get any tomatoes." Then you shouted, "Yes, we do have them! You said!!" I reprimanded you for yelling, and told you again we did not have any. So, that's when you lost your mind. You had a tantrum that really did remind me of that little spinning thing the Tasmanian devil used to do on the Looney Tunes. So I sent you to your room and made you cry it out in there.
It wasn't until I was lying in bed that I pieced together that whole thing and realized that I forgot about the tomatoes that we had in the fridge. I felt like a giant piece of, well, poop.
I am sorry. I am also sorry for the thousand more times this will happen in the course of your stay at "Mommy's Loony Bin." I am sorry that my stroke ever has to touch you at all, and if I could change anything, that is the one I'd pick. But, since this IS your life and this is mine, all I can do is keep on saying I'm sorry, and pray you're not scarred for life. Love you, kiddo!! (I didn't forget THAT!) : )
Friday, July 6, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Memories
There have been many memories of mine that were wiped away with the stroke. For example, I might remember something if given a scenario like, "Hey, remember when we ...... ?" But to just remember certain parts of my childhood is pretty difficult sometimes.
But there IS one memory I have that is really all mine and no one else's. It's not even a big event, and probably wouldn't be important to many other people, but for some reason it's really special to me.
I was sitting on my mom's lap at church, so that would put me somewhere under the age of five. Anyway, for a present I bought my mother a necklace. When I say "bought", that is to totally imply that my dad bought it for me! Well, this necklace was a fashion statement, let me tell you. The necklace itself was green, and hanging off of it, all around it, were plastic pieces of fruit. I remember an apple and a pear distinctly. I used to think it was the coolest thing whenever my mom would wear it...I would run my fingers along the charms and feel the smoothness of them, counting them over and over until church was over, which was awhile! That memory makes me happy, probably because I must've BEEN happy sitting there in my mom's lap, just being close to her.
When I think back, I cannot BELIEVE my mother wore it out in public....not just once, but many times!! That's a good mom right there.
We all have those memories that would mean nothing to other people, but mean everything to us, because they are the story of who we are and of who loved us. Macy and Micah, I hope your memories are never erased from your minds. And I also hope I have given you and will continue to give you many more stories for years to come. Love you two!!
But there IS one memory I have that is really all mine and no one else's. It's not even a big event, and probably wouldn't be important to many other people, but for some reason it's really special to me.
I was sitting on my mom's lap at church, so that would put me somewhere under the age of five. Anyway, for a present I bought my mother a necklace. When I say "bought", that is to totally imply that my dad bought it for me! Well, this necklace was a fashion statement, let me tell you. The necklace itself was green, and hanging off of it, all around it, were plastic pieces of fruit. I remember an apple and a pear distinctly. I used to think it was the coolest thing whenever my mom would wear it...I would run my fingers along the charms and feel the smoothness of them, counting them over and over until church was over, which was awhile! That memory makes me happy, probably because I must've BEEN happy sitting there in my mom's lap, just being close to her.
When I think back, I cannot BELIEVE my mother wore it out in public....not just once, but many times!! That's a good mom right there.
We all have those memories that would mean nothing to other people, but mean everything to us, because they are the story of who we are and of who loved us. Macy and Micah, I hope your memories are never erased from your minds. And I also hope I have given you and will continue to give you many more stories for years to come. Love you two!!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Only One
I remember being youngAnd dumb,Thinking I was the only oneGod didn't see.Didn't notice I had nothing To give.Missed the fact that I was allAlone.Maybe didn't even care, withAll the others there were toLove.
Dumb.
Now, to know Him, it feels soDifferent.I am the only one He sees.The only one He loves,Rescues, and sits with when I'mBroken.He has taken a lost little girl,And made her into one who knows she isAdored.
Adored.
He is. To me.He is the only one who Heals.He is the only one who loves.He is the only one who saves.He is the only one who Sees.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Food, Glorious Food!!
I love food. No, I LOVE food! I love the smells, the tastes, the textures, and all of the reasons there are for eating. I love the way it magically takes you out of your dreary day and takes you back to a happier time, one filled with great memories.
When I was a kid, I remember coming home from school and while I was still on the front porch, amazing smells were advertising the DELICIOUS night ahead! My grandmother, my dad's mom, made a great ham dinner every Thanksgiving ( she didn't eat anything that swims or flies), the kind of ham with the fat marbling every slice just perfectly. Every time I eat ham now, I picture myself at her table with my family, scarfing down everything and sitting back, sighing, completely satisfied. My grandmother, my mom's mom, made an awesome beef roast and roast chicken, with PERFECT gravy and with the butter literally running down the sides of the potatoes. ( Now those people who really know me now also know it's genetic!)
I love making those traditional family dinners, but I also like "branching" out every now and again. For instance, I recently made honey lime chicken enchiladas, which were amazing, and are now a family favorite. I think I like to cook because I love when it makes other people happy. It's true that whatever our love language is, it is the one we most often share with others.
I remember when I first moved to Sunbury after being a nanny to a precious little boy named Jacob. I lived with the family from the time he was six weeks old until he turned two. The adjustment was difficult and I missed him so much. So, one day I came home from work ( home was with my best friends, Mark and Lori and their kids), and smells of a ham dinner with all the trimmings greeted me at the door. Now, I know Lori made it for everyone, but it felt like she made it just for me. That is definitely how to show me love! That is how it has always been.
You may think, wow, you've got some issues with food! Maybe I do, but I don't eat to escape or because I'm depressed. It just makes me happy, and it's best to eat with the people you love. And I've learned that this is something I can definitely share with others, and I can use it to serve and show love. I could talk about this for most of the day....but that might make my argument that I don't have food issues a little harder to justify! So summing up... Macy and Micah, here is the lesson for today. Love food, enjoy different kinds of food. Try new things, because it will give you the courage to try other new things in your life as well. And most of all, never let your love of food exceed your love for sharing it with others! :)
When I was a kid, I remember coming home from school and while I was still on the front porch, amazing smells were advertising the DELICIOUS night ahead! My grandmother, my dad's mom, made a great ham dinner every Thanksgiving ( she didn't eat anything that swims or flies), the kind of ham with the fat marbling every slice just perfectly. Every time I eat ham now, I picture myself at her table with my family, scarfing down everything and sitting back, sighing, completely satisfied. My grandmother, my mom's mom, made an awesome beef roast and roast chicken, with PERFECT gravy and with the butter literally running down the sides of the potatoes. ( Now those people who really know me now also know it's genetic!)
I love making those traditional family dinners, but I also like "branching" out every now and again. For instance, I recently made honey lime chicken enchiladas, which were amazing, and are now a family favorite. I think I like to cook because I love when it makes other people happy. It's true that whatever our love language is, it is the one we most often share with others.
I remember when I first moved to Sunbury after being a nanny to a precious little boy named Jacob. I lived with the family from the time he was six weeks old until he turned two. The adjustment was difficult and I missed him so much. So, one day I came home from work ( home was with my best friends, Mark and Lori and their kids), and smells of a ham dinner with all the trimmings greeted me at the door. Now, I know Lori made it for everyone, but it felt like she made it just for me. That is definitely how to show me love! That is how it has always been.
You may think, wow, you've got some issues with food! Maybe I do, but I don't eat to escape or because I'm depressed. It just makes me happy, and it's best to eat with the people you love. And I've learned that this is something I can definitely share with others, and I can use it to serve and show love. I could talk about this for most of the day....but that might make my argument that I don't have food issues a little harder to justify! So summing up... Macy and Micah, here is the lesson for today. Love food, enjoy different kinds of food. Try new things, because it will give you the courage to try other new things in your life as well. And most of all, never let your love of food exceed your love for sharing it with others! :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Enough
Pssssst! I have a little, itty bitty secret to share today. Come closer. Okay, here it is....I am WEAK. In more ways than one, by the way. The reason I feel the need to clear this up is that many times people come up to me and tell me how good I look and that they're so happy I've recovered, and comment on how strong I am. Let me tell you. I know those people mean the very best and care so much for me and are thankful I'm still here. But when they leave I feel a little guilty....like I've somehow without even trying, pulled the wool over their positive, encouraging eyes. The truth is on Sunday, playing my trumpet is the most difficult thing I do ALL week. My strength in my mouth is not what it once was, and writing that is painful. I'm kinda glad the struggle isn't seen because I don't want to be a distraction, but it IS a struggle. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep myself from running off the stage in tears out of frustration that what I once could do so easily is now so....hard.
And that's not all. I struggle getting my baby dressed every day, changing his diaper, cutting their nails, and zipping their coats. I can't write, I can't remember to take my meds or to turn off the oven, and so many other things. I don't understand what I read most of the time, and often am a step behind in conversations. And any time I make plans with my family, I pay for it for days afterward in total exhaustion.
But the worst part is that I could be handling these things with courage, strength, and grace. People who've lost far more endure with much more grace and dignity than me. Instead, I'm still frustrated, still discouraged, still fighting the truth about what is gone. I hate being this weak, but I AM. I will not hide it anymore. If someone asks me how I am, I hope to tell you the truth.
What I'm hoping will happen as a result of laying myself bare is that it will allow me to receive His strength, which He says is made perfect in weakness. "When I am weak, then am I strong." It is very difficult to tell yourself that who you are right now, in all your weakness, is enough. We are enough for Him. He DELIGHTS in us, especially in our vulnerable honesty. Whatever our strength allows us to do this day is ENOUGH, and He will do the rest. He will cover us in a grace that veils our weaknesses and our human-ness, allowing others to only see Him.
And that's not all. I struggle getting my baby dressed every day, changing his diaper, cutting their nails, and zipping their coats. I can't write, I can't remember to take my meds or to turn off the oven, and so many other things. I don't understand what I read most of the time, and often am a step behind in conversations. And any time I make plans with my family, I pay for it for days afterward in total exhaustion.
But the worst part is that I could be handling these things with courage, strength, and grace. People who've lost far more endure with much more grace and dignity than me. Instead, I'm still frustrated, still discouraged, still fighting the truth about what is gone. I hate being this weak, but I AM. I will not hide it anymore. If someone asks me how I am, I hope to tell you the truth.
What I'm hoping will happen as a result of laying myself bare is that it will allow me to receive His strength, which He says is made perfect in weakness. "When I am weak, then am I strong." It is very difficult to tell yourself that who you are right now, in all your weakness, is enough. We are enough for Him. He DELIGHTS in us, especially in our vulnerable honesty. Whatever our strength allows us to do this day is ENOUGH, and He will do the rest. He will cover us in a grace that veils our weaknesses and our human-ness, allowing others to only see Him.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Love: Tough Pill To Swallow
Love. Little word, large committment. The world tells us if you aren't being appreciated, "walk away. You're worth more than that." They say that if the relationship isn't equal, then "someone isn't giving enough. Walk away." The advice goes on and on....
BUT, then I read something else. "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other (another translation says, "Make allowances for each other."), and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I read some more: "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Let me just clarify that this does not mean God intends for you to stay with an abusive person, etc. God loves you and doesn't want you to be harmed. But it is one thing to be harmed and another thing to have your feelings hurt. Loving someone who doesn't give you what you want or what you think you need...well, it just really stinks. If others' treatment of us doesn't match our expectations, we wallow. We start to try to emotionally distance ourselves from the other person. We may even start to feel resentful and just a little bit bitter.
Most people give up right here when it comes to showing real love to people. Right smack in the middle of the worst of feelings. Why should we have to love people who don't meet our needs? Why would a God who loves us ask to do such a difficult thing, when the rest of the world counsels us to get out now?
I think the answer to this is found in something else I've read recently: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." God asks some difficult things of us, but it is absolutely nothing compared to the giant sacrifice made by His son, and by millions of martyrs around the world. Loving without getting love back hurts, but we are still called to love.
You know, maybe we should start spreading that love out a little...stop making it available just for a select few. There are so many people in our communities starving for it, aching for it...those who have been abused, abandoned, and rejected. So, Macy and Micah, start looking for people who really NEED the love you have to give, and you will never regret having given it.
BUT, then I read something else. "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other (another translation says, "Make allowances for each other."), and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I read some more: "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Let me just clarify that this does not mean God intends for you to stay with an abusive person, etc. God loves you and doesn't want you to be harmed. But it is one thing to be harmed and another thing to have your feelings hurt. Loving someone who doesn't give you what you want or what you think you need...well, it just really stinks. If others' treatment of us doesn't match our expectations, we wallow. We start to try to emotionally distance ourselves from the other person. We may even start to feel resentful and just a little bit bitter.
Most people give up right here when it comes to showing real love to people. Right smack in the middle of the worst of feelings. Why should we have to love people who don't meet our needs? Why would a God who loves us ask to do such a difficult thing, when the rest of the world counsels us to get out now?
I think the answer to this is found in something else I've read recently: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." God asks some difficult things of us, but it is absolutely nothing compared to the giant sacrifice made by His son, and by millions of martyrs around the world. Loving without getting love back hurts, but we are still called to love.
You know, maybe we should start spreading that love out a little...stop making it available just for a select few. There are so many people in our communities starving for it, aching for it...those who have been abused, abandoned, and rejected. So, Macy and Micah, start looking for people who really NEED the love you have to give, and you will never regret having given it.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Stay
When I quit my job about a year and a half ago, I had all kinds of grand plans. Macy and I would do crafts together each day, listen to all different types of music, and see new and fascinating places on a regular basis. There would be laughter and lots of it, and quiet, intimate times when she's snuggled against me, asleep. I was surprised and disappointed at how few of those idyllic moments seemed to happen, especially after we had Micah.
Sometimes, my days are just very tiring...listening to Micah cry for hours sometimes when he's sick or just plain fussy, or hearing my three year-old whine from the moment she wakes up until the time she goes to bed.... folding laundry that just gets dirty again tomorrow... making dinner that maybe half of the eating audience even likes...and the list goes on. Some days, I just want to take a walk by myself.
Life is so hilarious sometimes. For years, all I wanted was to not have to be alone anymore, to share my life. Now, I'm sharing, and I find myself complaining much more than I'd like.
Please understand. It's not that I regret the choice I made to stay home, because I don't and I know so many women would love to be able to do it. But, every choice requires sacrifices, things we will surely miss out on by making a key decision. The things we miss don't come close to what we gain, by the way, but often feels that way.
I guess it's like this: There are days I want to quit, and it's been that way since the first time I've tried anything at all. When things get difficult, or don't look exactly how we'd imagined it, our first instinct is always to flee, to run. But when we run, we miss out on sometimes the very best experiences of our lives. And also, we miss out on the opportunity to STAY, to fight, to remain and to say that we did not quit. ( Just a note: it's not always terrible to quit something. It depends on what that something is.!) Some people just quit things way too soon...marriages, churches, friendships...etc. Just when the road gets rocky and someone pressed that "incline" button on the treadmill, we scramble, searching for the "off" switch.
So, Macy and Micah, the lesson is this: Anything worth having or doing will cost you something. And don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop! : ) And please hear me: NONE of those frustrating days will ever compare to getting to read stories to you during the day or one of our morning walks, or all the fun songs we sang together. And it will all be even more beautiful in the end when we look back and see that we STAYED.
Sometimes, my days are just very tiring...listening to Micah cry for hours sometimes when he's sick or just plain fussy, or hearing my three year-old whine from the moment she wakes up until the time she goes to bed.... folding laundry that just gets dirty again tomorrow... making dinner that maybe half of the eating audience even likes...and the list goes on. Some days, I just want to take a walk by myself.
Life is so hilarious sometimes. For years, all I wanted was to not have to be alone anymore, to share my life. Now, I'm sharing, and I find myself complaining much more than I'd like.
Please understand. It's not that I regret the choice I made to stay home, because I don't and I know so many women would love to be able to do it. But, every choice requires sacrifices, things we will surely miss out on by making a key decision. The things we miss don't come close to what we gain, by the way, but often feels that way.
I guess it's like this: There are days I want to quit, and it's been that way since the first time I've tried anything at all. When things get difficult, or don't look exactly how we'd imagined it, our first instinct is always to flee, to run. But when we run, we miss out on sometimes the very best experiences of our lives. And also, we miss out on the opportunity to STAY, to fight, to remain and to say that we did not quit. ( Just a note: it's not always terrible to quit something. It depends on what that something is.!) Some people just quit things way too soon...marriages, churches, friendships...etc. Just when the road gets rocky and someone pressed that "incline" button on the treadmill, we scramble, searching for the "off" switch.
So, Macy and Micah, the lesson is this: Anything worth having or doing will cost you something. And don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop! : ) And please hear me: NONE of those frustrating days will ever compare to getting to read stories to you during the day or one of our morning walks, or all the fun songs we sang together. And it will all be even more beautiful in the end when we look back and see that we STAYED.
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